Ashes to ashes

During this busy busy month of April, I’ve experience a rollercoaster ride, both physically and emotionally. First of all, it’s my birthday month and received so much love and blessing from all my friends. Second, it’s also the month where I host a very important dinner, in which, made me have an average of 5 hours of sleep during the past two weeks. Third, I have received bad news from two friends which I treasure. All these things had drained me, physically and mentally, and has also triggered me to think about life.

One of the bad news includes a funeral. For very first time in my life, I attended a formal funeral. Though I had attended both of my grandfather’s funeral, it was when I was about 7, which I was completely ignorant and native, and did not understand what death or life truly is. And furthermore, I wasn’t that close with them as I was in Canada when I was young, thus, I hadn’t build up a strong attachment with them, nor did I see my father cry ( I’m pretty sure he did, but he just didn’t want us to see it). So, it was really the first time that I had participated and had an emotional bonding.

When I first heard the news (both bad news together in 24hrs actually), I cried immediately as I didn’t know what to do, and felt helpless that I couldn’t do anything to help my friends. All I know that things are so sudden and couldn’t think straight. I suppose as humans start to grow with wisdom and age, they really do start to understand the four stages of life, birth, aging, sickness and death.

Since I was around twelve, I had a feeling that I was going to die at around the age of 40. I even had imagined my own funeral. It would be filled with white lilies and simple, intimate and peaceful. People would either sing or make a joke for me; the only thing that bothered me a bit was who’s going to attend my funeral. This thought hasn’t’ left me since, but it didn’t really affect my life either, as I know no matter what I will live my life to the fullest or at least, try to make it fill with love and laughter.

After attending the funeral, it gave me some other thoughts. Life isn’t that simple as you think. With all different sorts of obligations, connections and bonding, each and every departure is truly a heart-breaking experience. It’s devastating, tear-jerking and exhausting. So, come to the think of it, may I be selfish enough to leave the world first, at least I know I will go with a smile.

May God bless that she rests in peace and that he can take good care of himself and recover soon.