成長的代價

事隔一個月多才有時間去寫一篇新的文章。

謝謝所有給我祝福的朋友們。
很愛你們!

為了可以於生日週出外旅遊休息一下，整個三月過得非常之忙。應付平日的工作已經不是一件容易的事，還要處埋多一、兩個星期的工作，真的仿如掉入了一個無底洞。因此，也沒有什麼時間下筆。

今晚，心情悶悶的。雖然還有工作要做，但真是什麼心情也沒有，所以決定寫下東西以排解心裡的抑鬱。

廿五歲一個星期多了。很感激朋友們的祝福及慶祝。今年的生日，我給了自己一個新的形象，希望同時也會有新的處境。很可惜的是，得到的還是我最討厭的事 – 沒結果的停待。明知道應該不要抱著什麼期望，但這些事總是會在生日的那時發生；年年如斯，就如宿命一樣。不過幸而，隨著年齡越大，對這些情況已經習慣了。沒有太大的不開心，反之是平常心去接受那些記得我生日的朋友們。

但一星期後忽然被突襲，有一點點的心酸。可能是工作令我很想很想找一個寄託或是一個機會去好好痛哭一場，而痛哭的最好藥引就是處於自憐的狀態。暫時成為史上最可憐的悲劇女主角，再狠狠地於黑暗裡淚下無言的淚。

一個星期的假期後，排山倒海的工作已經令我不能呼吸。精神及身體都已經很累很累。很想找一個人傾訴一下，又恐旁人會以為我是庸人自擾；很想去做一些喜歡的事、見喜歡的人，又好像難過登天；彷彿已經沒有事值得去做，而人更不是我可以選擇的。當我以為大了一歲，應該會更加自立，但原來我只想找一個人去依賴，因為我太習慣一個人了。

另一方面，我越來越覺得自己很矛盾。一方面真的喜歡我所的工作所帶來的所見所聞，但另一邊卻開始厭倦跟別人打交道，寫一些不想寫的東西，做一些沒有意義的事。因為我的猶疑不決、害怕面前的預計的事，令我即使有機會逃走都放棄了。究竟惜日的拚勁去了那兒? 很懷念那個不顧一切的自己。

難道這就是成長的代價?

黑白之間

20110306

期待了差不多一年了，終於看了『黑天鵝』。期待的原因不是因為奧斯卡，而是因為Natalie Portman、因為很想知道這一個故事如何呈現人性的黑白兩面。不過與此同時，看之前亦都非常害怕當中可能會一些有血腥的場面。對於我這一個任何驚慄片也受不了的人來說，為了看這個也必須有一點點的勇氣；雖然有點被嚇怕，但幸而血腥的場面已經比我預計中少很多了，總算虛驚一場。

可能因為有期待及本身狀態的關係，『黑天鵝』並沒有我想像般震撼，但仍不失為一部好作品、工餘的娛樂。也不得不讚揚Natalie Portman的演出，但依然是最喜歡Closer中的Alice。

一向都相信人是善良的，但從來沒有忽略了當中黑暗的一面。人的所有行為都是基於一個很簡單的出發點，只是當中的手段不同，同時亦引申了善、惡之分。人面對著恐懼或威脅的時候就會出現flight or fight的defense mechanism。逃不了就要打敗它。而有很多時你的敵人就是自己，如若永遠也不明白這一個道理的話就只會走上走火入魔之路。

不論誰都會在乎別人對自己的看法吧，尤其是一些你很在意的人。越在意就越擔心在他面前是不是他想像中的你、會否令他感到失望，慢慢地就忘記了真正的自己是誰，喪失了原有的本性，變成另一個人。當中最關鍵的就是自己對自己的信心及對他人的信任。其次是自己本身擁有的執著，好像所有東西必須要在自己的預算及操縱之中。本人自己是一個比較固執的人、相信計劃，而且有很多事都過份地認真。就是這樣就往往不能放鬆，對自己、對人也是一樣，所有東西都有清單、有時間表。但現在，反而人大了倒想有機會去任性一番，可以嘛?

就讓那雙臂展翅那怕衣裳的顏色是什麼。

結束

本來想來一個生日50天大倒數，誰不知已經忙到忘記了一切。  本身再想一個40天的倒數，最後也因為真的太忙了而不能動筆。不是想常常提著自己生日，但是今年是25歲了，又是傳說中的『半中女』，什麼新陳代謝減慢、需要保養、媽媽開始擔心我會成為『剩女』等都會在這一個時候出現，而且越來越大就越害怕傷害同失敗，生日真是一個令人又愛又恨的節日。

小時候，不知道為什麼常常覺得自已只得約40歲的壽命；命不需要長，只要開心就夠了。如若如此，那麼我已經活了半輩子了，我真的倒想自已一個人屈縮於一角，停下來想想我的路。

對朋友們來說，我是一個比較會計劃的人，這樣的有計劃的原因並不是因為我很清楚自己想做什麼，而是因為我並沒有安全感。只有安排好一切，總不是錯得太過份，或者可以於籌備的過程中給自己多一點點的信心，從而找到一點點的安撫。

但是人生不是劇作，不能每一件事都有劇本，它只是一場即興劇。不能把每一分鐘都練習好，而且只能看身傍的演員給你什麼而你去作什麼回應，而最難控制的是如何將情感拿捏到不溫不火。

事業上我很清楚我的目標是什麼，可是現在被困著的感覺不太好受；身體要繼續保養得宜，很討厭那個疲憊的鏡子；而至於愛情，有期待的，但不會等待，暫時跟文字戀愛也不錯。

一向站於前線的我，決定是時退下來了。

放下烽火、盔甲，穿上保護色，用另一種方式去闖蕩。

近來認識了很多新朋友，好像有個新開始的感覺，讓我試做一個不一樣的我。

小女孩再見了，赤子的心仍在；
4月，會來一個fresh start。

還是那一句：Watch me shine~

Not all new, just 1/5 - Chilean Nite with Vina Leyda

 For those who knows Spanish or simply knows about the lovely and subtle restaurants tucked away in Start Street might know what I am referring to from the title of the post – yes, I went to 1/5 nuevo for dinner!

Even though going there was not a completely new experience for me as I was there around October for one of my best friend’s birthday, this time was different and new because I had new company and it was my first time trying out their wine dinners, so it justifies being 1/5 new. =P

Just happened yesterday was the “Chilean Nite with Vina Leyda”. It was a 6-course dinner with 5 courses (except desert) paired-up with 5 different wines from Viña Leyda, Leyda Valley, which lies to the west of Santiago (14km from the Pacific, meaning very nice and humid weather for harvesting the vineyards). The Viña Leyda was established in 1997 as it was recognized as the potential area for growing grapes and water has to be pumped for 8km from Maipo River for irrigation.



 Marinated Salmon, Rock Oyster and Iberico Ham

So enough with the background, back to the dinner.

First of all, I personally quite like the restaurant because my last experience there was quite nice. Last time, it was a company of 6 people and we had a few tapas and were able to try a series of different things – in which I fell for their seafood paellas. =) (which was comparable to those that I had back in Spain). Apart from the food, what I like about 1/5 nuevo is the furnishing. Those who know me know that I’m a “berry-color” person – meaning I like purples, reds & blues. 1/5 nuevo is covered with a warm blend of reds and art pieces which makes this Aries feels like home. According to my dinner date, a lovely lady from Elite Concepts, said that their boss handpicked the art pieces for the restaurants and also has put a lot of effort in the interior design of the restaurant – and apparently made me a fan.

Paella risotto with saffron
and roasted king prawn

With candles lit and wines glasses all set on the table, our dinner first began with an appetizer selection which included Marinated Salmon, Rock Oyster and Iberico Ham which is paired up with Sauvignon Blanc, Garuma, 2009. The white had a quite thick herbal note with crisp acidity and lingering feeling at the end – good enough to go with the fresh and salty appetizer selection. Always more found of sweetness than acidity, I preferred the second white wine Chardonnay, Falaris Hill, 2009 that went with Paella risotto with saffron and roasted king prawn.  Then it followed by the Pinot Noir Las Brisa, 2008 Magnum with slow cooked ox tongue and ox tail. The Pinot Noir had quite a strong character with a more prominent oaky palate and vanilla aroma, a good choice for the gents (if I remember correctly, it was fermenated in fresh oak barrels for 8 months), but might not for the ladies. Meanwhile, I really appreciate the meat! It was soft and delicious, really good textures and the flavor was rich. I only eat ox tongue during Korean BBQ and never eat pig’s tongue cause I didn't like the feeling of eating a "tongue", but it was so good that I finished it all!



Slow cooked ox tongue and tail

 Roasted pigeon with truffle sauce

Peppered lamb rack
with lime gravy

 Next up was the Roasted pigeon with truffle sauce, paired with Carmenere Talhuen, Colchagua Valley 2007. This was my favorite red among the three as it was more fruity and ample with flavor with works great with the pigeon and truffle sauce. Last main course was the Peppered lamb rack with lime gravy joined with Vintage selection Cabernet Sauvignon, Carmenere, Cabernet Franc & Merlot blend, Maipo Valley 2007. Among the different meat dishes, I like this lamb the most as it is cooked to perfection with fresh peppers and salt on the rims of the rack. Most important is that it didn’t have that flavor which I sometimes dislike in lamb, even when it got a bit cold as we chat through the dish. And the wine was in the middle between the previous two, not a bad choice if you have some new company and you don’t know which wine to serve.

Frozen raspberry meringue with fruits jelly

To finish the meal, was the frozen raspberry meringue with fruits jelly – light-weighted desert for such a satisfying dinner.

The atmosphere was good, the food and wine was excellent and the company I had was terrific. I even managed to know the Chef who was quite a gentlemen; subtle,gentle and polite, unlike most of the other Chefs I’ve meet. If it weren’t for the calls from the office, it would be a wonderful dinner. But still, it was a great evening and it is something which I appreciate during the hectic moments of work and reminds me once again, why I am doing what I am doing now.



Sometimes in life you really need some hints and pointers to encourage you, remind you and let you have certain directions and things to look forward to. This dinner was one of them and I am pretty sure the best is yet to come if I strive on to my goals, despite the challenges I'm going through.

Don’t you think? 

意義

過去一星期裡，真的令人感到非常之累。公司的工作令人廢寢忘食 (應該是說下午五、六時才食 “lunch”)及壓力大增之外，家裡及外面也有不同的東西要處理；也令我沒有什麼時間去寫網誌(各位久等了)。休息不夠之餘，還不停在晚上被弄醒了及於清晨時份肚痛…~ 據說，我的另外一位同事也曾經試過這樣。看來，壓力有時真的可怕得很。

盡管如此，多慶幸有朋友這東西。

情人節那天又是沒情人般地過，不過真的過得很開心!除了能夠認識了兩位新朋友之外，我們四個人一口氣吃了十二道上海菜式，還有笑聲不斷、有賀年歌作背景。最後在Starbuck吃甜點、飲了杯熱可可作結。

當了記者之後，對節日這東西的意義越來越模糊。是為了找個藉口去消費、娛樂嗎? 其實又有多少人真的明白每一個節日背後的故事及意義?之前聖誕節已經發現原來現時的小朋友以為有聖誕節的原因是因為有聖誕節老人，而不是為了慶祝耶穌出生….。

有多少人知道St. Valentine為了強捍衛婚姻同愛情而死呢?情人節是為紀念這一位聖人之外，也象徵每個人都應該勇敢地追求愛情。 



下班後跟朋友來了一個late邊爐會~
有史以來最健康的打邊爐，也令我可以吃掉一切不如意。



雖然沒有勇氣，但我總算有力氣去發短訊；而見到朋友們那麼的幸福也替他們開心，情人節也算過得有意義吧。=)





對你們來說，情人節又是什麼呢?

在最忙、最苦惱的時候給我支持的朋友們，謝謝你們。

近期工作真作真的令人越來越心灰，應該找一個出口。